Sunday nights are hair nights in our house. Tonight Nevaeh had her shower and sat down so I could do her hair. I was in the mood to do something different so I decided to try Bantu Zulu knots. Damen and I thought it came out adorable, but I don't have any pictures because...well...she hated it. By the time I was finshed it was after 8pm, and since she has school tomorrow I sent her to bed and told her I would change it after school if she still did not like it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. She wasn't upset, she just said that she did not like it. She went to bed, but about 10 minutes after tucking her in we heard her crying. We went in to check on her and it turns out she does not like the hairstyle because her hair is so different from her friends at school (we do not live in a diverse area) and she ended up saying that she wants to be white like us. She wants skin like ours and she wants hair that stays "down and flat all day" (her words). She's afraid that people will laugh at her hairstyle or won't be her friend because she looks different than they do. Throughout the rest of our conversation the topic of her birthmother came up. I told her how beautiful her Ethiopian Mommy is and that she looks just like her. We have picture of her Ethiopian mother and she really does look just like her.
I heard Eli in the top bunk trying to quiet the sounds of his crying and I asked him what was wrong. He said that he couldn't tell me. He was so upset. It took about an hour but he finally told me what was wrong. I promised him that I would keep it between me and him, so I will just say that it had to do with missing his family in Ethiopia.
My heart is breaking for my kids tonight. I am proud of them for sharing their feelings with me. It was hard for them. I questioned writing about this on the blog, but I know that other adoptive families read this and if this helps another family, then it is worth it. Blogs I read have talked about the mixed emotions that their kids have about their adoptions and it has helped me. It helped me tonight.
It was hard to know what to tell them. I thought we were doing a good job of helping them be proud to be Ethiopian American. To be proud to have brown skin.
I was very torn about sharing this and possibly breaking their trust if they found out, but these feelings are very real and very deep, and very confusing to a lot of adopted kids. It is important for people to realize that kids that were adopted as young babies and toddlers can and do have these types of emotions about their adoptions. My kids are well adjusted, but there is a part of them that is missing that they will never be able to have, and they felt that raw emotion tonight. I can never tell them about the day that they were born. I can never understand what it is like to look different than most of my family and friends. I don't understand what it feels like to have other kids always asking me if the people that don't look like me are my parents...and then looking at me really confused when I say yes. My kids (and many others) deal with this everyday.
As a family we get double and triple looks when we go out. A white couple with three brown skinned kids, yes we get a lot of looks. I am there to protect them from the looks and idiotic comments most of the time, but they are getting older now and I am not always there anymore. They are in school, church school, playdates, baseball practice, etc. and I cannot always protect them. They understand when people say right in front of them that they are "lucky" that they are out of Africa and adopted. Well, they were not feeling really lucky tonight. We don't want them to think that they are supposed to feel "lucky". Was it luck that they lost their first parents? Was it luck that they have lost their native language? Was it luck to have lost their culture..the sounds... the smells....the traditions? I don't think any of that is "lucky". They have lost so much in their short lives. I wish people would just stop and think before they speak. I do not want my kids to feel "lucky" to have what every single child on this Earth should have...a family, food, a safe place, and to know what love feels like. All three of my children have gone without these basic things in the early months of their lives. Damen and I are the lucky ones that were chosen by Him to parent these brave, courageous, strong children. I wish people would realize that, instead of dwelling on my kids being "lucky". I hate that phrase when it comes to adoption, I really do.
I know that this got a bit rambly, and I apologize, but the emotions my kids displayed tonight brought out a lot of emotions in me.
This was an emotional night in our house tonight. I am expecting that those of you who read this will respect that these are very personal feelings that the kids are having and will not try and talk with them about any of this.
